There's that old saying that kids don't come with a handbook.... right? And neurodiverse kids OMG don't you wish they did.
From day 1, I knew that I was in for it. He didn't sleep, he didn't feed, he didn't do any of the things the way that I thought I knew how to do, and I felt so many times that I needed that "handbook" to figure things out cause there was just no-one who knew what I was going through or why things just didn't go the way that they were suppose to, and instinctively I just winged it.
And then there were the toddler years, and then starting kindy, and then navigating primary school and sports and friendships, and family stuff and, and, and..... you all know what I'm talking about right?
So along this winding, rollercoaster of a journey that we have been on, with all the researching, asking questions and figuring things out day by day, what works for him, what works for me, and what works for all the other members of the household, I have come across some things that I want to share with you all and hopefully help some of you with your journey.
Low demand parenting - I really didn't even know that this was a thing until just recently and once I had done some research found that I had been doing this for awhile. If I had researched it earlier on I probably would have not paid much mind to it at all, probably because that is not the way that I knew "how" to parent, you didn't give in to your child, you set the rules of your house and so forth.
But what I have learnt along the way is that setting rules, enforcing demands and expectations (some of which are rollovers from previous generations) and parenting in a hierarchical fashion can be so stressful, not only for your children but also for you. Being able to parent with everyone understanding their role in the makeup of your family structure, children feeling like their feelings and needs are taken into account when it comes to the systems of the home, and also the parents and children having open and honest communication about certain aspects of parenting can be life changing.
Scaffolding children rather than bubble wrapping them - I didn't realise that I was doing this either until I really started to understand what scaffolding meant. I remember a time when my very active, daredevil 4 year old, unmedicated boy threw himself off the climbing wall in front of everyone and hit his head on the way down. Now this was a common occurrence with us, both my kids are very active fearless kids and I don't tend to react unless they give me cause to. Plus being a mum with a chronic illness means that I didn't tend to hover or stand around them for long periods of time "just in case".
So here he was, some tears, no blood, a slightly scrunched up face that I could see he was more pissed off with himself than hurt, and he took himself off to the main reception, got some ice, came and sat next to me with the ice on his head for about 2 mins until the ice started melting and then got right back up on the climbing wall to throw himself off again. That's when a Dad sat next to me and asked...."aren't you going to take him home, or to the doctors to get him checked or something?", but why? He knew what to do in that scenario, he knew where the ice was and how to get it, he knew he wasn't really that hurt, just that he needed to sit for a bit (the ice maybe was needed for a bit of reassurance) and then he was good to get back up and go again. This is scaffolding. We had talked about what to do in this sort of situation, where to go for help, where the ice was, etc.
Workarounds - being a mum who is neurodiverse (makes so much sense now that I understand myself better), who has a chronic illness, who is parenting on their own, and parenting two neurodiverse children means that workarounds are a day to day feature in our house.
Neurodiversity means that our brains don't work the way they are "supposed" to half the time and the other half the time they are working at maximum speed so workarounds are something that our brains NEED to stay sane. Sometimes we have put workarounds into our day to day purely as a way to stay comfortable and to make sure that things get done and we are not aware of them necessarily (I came across another one of mine the other night while having a shower, I'm right handed but I can't stand on my right foot and wash my left foot with my right hand unless I support myself - stupid right - but it's a workaround that I have had to figure out or not wash one leg!!).
There could be a bunch of workarounds that your kid has built up for themselves to do with the way that their brain works best (stimming to self regulate, sensory issues so needs particular clothing, clothes washed a particular way (my son has this), particular types of food so that they don't have to think about food or make decisions about food) and when the house has a different structure or demand level that throws this out of whack they get dysregulated.
Now I'm not talking about disregarding all the rules for your teen and letting them define them, NOT AT ALL, it would be chaos!! I'm talking about starting the conversation with them to scaffold their experience of the big bad world out there. Because in reality they will be venturing out there on their own pretty shortly (well here's hoping!!) and we as parents want to provide them with every opportunity to thrive RIGHT??
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Also check back here in the coming weeks for more on low demand parenting, PDA profile ADHD kids, overwhelm in teens and caregiver burnout.